very straight, cis female knows that a man with a long-term ex-girlfriend is likely to fare far better in bed than his bounce around, playboy counterpart. A man that’s casually slept with 100 girls has likely gotten little to no feedback on his performance, whereas a man who has slept with one girl consistently for a year (let's say) is more likely to have learned the language of labia.
This whispered, unwritten rule is not as cut and dry when the genders are reversed however. You don’t typically hear men saying, “Score! My recent Tinder match just got out of a three-year relationship, that means she probably gives great head!” This is partly because women are thought to be more varied in their sexual preferences than men (not to mention in their anatomy), but also because women tend to have more trouble speaking up about what they really want.
According to a 2019 study — Women's Sexual Satisfaction, Communication, and Reasons for (No Longer) Faking Orgasm — over 58% of women have faked an orgasm, and 55% of women have decided not to talk to their partner about their sexual needs, despite wanting to do so. The participants in the study chose not to talk to their partner about their dissatisfaction for the same reasons you avoid it: they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings, they didn’t feel comfortable talking about sex in detail, and/or they feared rejection.
For these reasons (and many others), I think we should all send out customer-satisfaction surveys post-sex, whether it’s a first-time bangarang or a longer-term intimacy.
Think about how simple things would be if, instead of waiting for last night’s booty call to text you the standard, “I had such a great time last night,” you could simply wait for them to fill out a detailed survey that’d tell you if they want to see you again? Instead of having to awkwardly explain to your Hinge date that if he ever tries to put his finger in your butt without asking you again you’ll have to ghost him, you could just fill out a quick and painless survey and list your booty as a no-fly-zone.
Of course, you might be thinking, “I don’t need a survey. If my one-night stand texts me the next day, that means they had a good time!” But if you are thinking that, I’d say y0u’re severely underestimating the reasons that people have sex, not to mention the things you bring to the table.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dated someone I think is amazing as a person, but tends to bore me a little bit in the bedroom. Or, the times I’ve gone on a date with a guy I don’t want to see again, but wished there was a kind way to explain to him that if he never learns to kiss, he might be single forever.
“Good” and “bad” sex is largely subjective. Telling your last Tinder match that they’re a 6/10 in the sack (or simply choosing to un-match them immediately post-coitus) isn’t exactly constructive criticism. In fact, it probably does more harm than good. Wouldn’t it be great to have a consensual, non-emotional, and pre-formatted way to tell your last sexual partner that, “Hey, I’d love to see you naked again, but I’d love to not have to fake an orgasm next time. Try to lay off the jack-hammering and lay on 10 more minutes of oral sex.”
Yes, you could totally say that sentence IRL, but it might not be well-received.
And yes. There are other methods to steer your partner in the right direction. You can purposefully stop moaning when they do something you don’t like. You can move your body in the other direction when they touch you in an uncomfortable way. You can literally say, “ouch” to let them know they’re being too rough. You can grab their hand and move it towards the spot where you want to be touched (or away from the spot that you want them to stop touching).
But some things, like your desire to peg your partner, are things better discussed clearly than alluded to mid-fornication.
Even if you’re confident and comfortable handing out compliment : oh-hell-no sandwiches to your sex partners, there are other cultural hiccups that may discourage you from telling them the truth about their sexual performance.
Like the fear that having a “serious” conversation about sex will make your partner think you’re misreading the relationship as something more serious than it is. When many of us are having sex with someone before we even learn their last name, it’s understandable that we may not be comfortable disclosing to them that we’d really love it if they peed on us.
In short? Fuck the “I had a really great time last night,” text. Life is short and communication is king. Can we all get together to make sending a customer-satisfaction survey post-sex a thing?
I’ve even attached a sample version below for your viewing — and potential sending — pleasure.
Hi _________! Thank you for having sex with me. I think you’re super ________and I loved the way you ______________. I know it can sometimes be awkward telling a new partner how things went during sex, so I’d love for you to fill out this form to give me some feedback (and constructive criticism) so that if you’re interested in having sex again, we can make things more pleasurable for both of us.
Name:
3 things you loved:
1.
2.
3.
3 things that could have been improved:
1.
2.
3.
Did you feel comfortable in the environment?
Is there any way the environment could have been improved?
Did you feel that there was a satisfactory amount of foreplay?
What is your ideal amount of foreplay?
What would your ideal foreplay consist of (activities)?
Did you orgasm?
If you did not orgasm, is there anything I could have done differently to help you to achieve orgasm?
Did you try anything new during our time together?
If so, would you want to do it again or explore this further?
If we have sex again, are there any new things you’d like to try?
How did you feel after we had sex?
Do you want to have sex with me again?
If no, would you mind elaborating more on why?
